last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
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Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
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Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.