Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I'm fucking your sister right now.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
I would do horrible things to your vagina.