Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I'm fucking your sister right now.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
I would do horrible things to your vagina.