Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.