They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
Hilbilly word of the day is cedar, example....I knowed she ain\'t got no panties on cuz I cedar cooter.
These People Made Expensive Mistakes That They’ll Regret Forever
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
Things The Opposite Sex Just Doesn’t Understand
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?