STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
23 Annoying things Girls Do When They’re Trying To Be Cute
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
27 Unforgettable Hookup Texts
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year