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I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
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