I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
i dont even know how to be here
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?