he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.