Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
lets start a swedish sibling band together
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
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