you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
This beer is not sobering me up at all
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?