you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
at a bonfire and someone threw a plastic cup in the fire. everyone immediately stopped what they were doing to yell collectively at him about what he was doing to the environment, then went back to drinking
only in oregon
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
Its like we are women, and boise state is a gangster rap song. This game is degrading
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.