I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
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He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
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our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.