Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
Best friends brother. Beat that.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
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