why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
Randomize
