We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Randomize
