you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...