I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka