So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
how is it that boston is so bitchin and the rest of massachusetts sucks so much?
how is it that you still think "bitchin" is an acceptable term anymore?
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
Dating After Heartbreak
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
These Images Prove Chrissy Teigen is the Funniest Model Alive
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Idk. We dropped acid and Kevin ran away again. We didn't find him for like 3 hours.
Man I wish I had been there
Yah we found him in the pool shed of some elderly couple. They were on the porch watching all of the shenanigans. ...To be young again.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.