Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
i would punch a child for taco bell
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
how's this sound. You, me a box of pink franzia and a night full of possibilities in your basemen. I'll be me. You be you. And we'll see where it goes
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.
I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass