I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
he puts the penis in happiness.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.