if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
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