i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
