I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
