I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
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I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
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I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"