I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Randomize
