my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
These 25 Drunks Should’ve Gotten Cut Off A Long Time Ago
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
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why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
I'm fucking your sister right now.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room