Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
drinking out of a sandbucket again
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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