There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Dating After Heartbreak
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
These Images Prove Chrissy Teigen is the Funniest Model Alive
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted