Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
is it true that cum stays in you for 7 years?
You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one