When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...