i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
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I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
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so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section