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My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
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