omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
i can juggle bunnies
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
You took my girl thats shot the Fuck out. You better watch your skinny ass.
That's barely a sentence. Who's your girl? I think you've got the wrong number. I haven't even lived in Alabama for 4 years.
Yeah, I do, I'm sorry. I meant 205 not 256. sorry about that.
Good luck with your revenge in Birmingham.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.