The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
19 Cringe-worthy Bachelorette Party Texts
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
The 23 Worst Things That Have Happened After a One Night Stand
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
I'm fucking your sister right now.