He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
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Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.