Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.
did he notice?
of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
I'm fucking your sister right now.
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?