I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
i think i have two assholes
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
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