how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
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Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
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Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
be there in ten.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.