He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
27 Unforgettable Hookup Texts
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
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I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.