i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?