I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
can you sing with all the voices of the mountain? can you paint with al the colors of the windddd
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
23 Parents Gave Awful Advice about “The Birds and the Bees”
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
These 19 Deaths Are Ironically Hilarious
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay