Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
Banned from zoo.
15 Things That Could NEVER Happen Anywhere But the South
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
15 Times “Flight of the Conchords” Made You Feel Better About Being a Twenty-Something
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests