People with herpes should wear stickers.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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