I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
I take back everything I said about communal showers
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.