proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
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