I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy