They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
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I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
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every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?