my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Randomize
