i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
29 “I’m Getting Old” Moments
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
19 Worst Song Lyrics of All Time
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels