i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
