I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
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I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
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I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?