we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
I'm fucking your sister right now.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done