He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
These 23 People Walked In On Someone And Saw Some Crazy Sh*t
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Confessions From 23 People Who Have Been Hiding Terrible Secrets
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick