hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
On this egg donor form, it asks "In the past 5 years, have you had sex for drugs or money?" It only gives a yes or no option and no place to explain myself. What do I do?
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
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he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
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I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.